Shoot to Kill Policy

Posted on November 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is much talk in the wake of the Paris attacks about ‘what, if and how’ a similar outrage would be treated on London streets. Debate is good, however it is not the time to have reasonable discussion. Here on the farm we are not allowed to have rats. Following a poison control failure I have had to introduce a ‘shoot to kill’ policy…

I taped a torch to my gun,
and went to where the rats do run,
no rodent rights in my head,
my only aim to shoot them dead.
One appeared gave me the finger,
not much longer did it linger,
I raised the gun loosed off a round,
a rodent terrorist fell to the ground.
No debate neither fun,
just an action that had to be done.

We should fully support our police and armed forces who risk their lives allowing us to sleep safely in our comfortable beds.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Three Visiting Hens!

Posted on November 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We have three hens staying at the farm. I realise that most people have just human visitors, but regular readers will know that there is not much normal on this farm! These guests are easy to please, have no complaints and don’t engage in lengthy conversations at breakfast time…

Three visiting hens are contented,
grateful for breakfast wheat,
no complicated agendas,
to make their lives complete.

They have no need for credit card,
no pocket for loose change,
they’ve never seen a bank manager,
would think a mortgage strange!

They’ve never heard of television,
news comes not from a box,
religion is unfamiliar,
only terrorist is a fox!

They know not of politicians,
not lies, not war, not hate,
their only overriding fear:
avoidance of human plate!

Best wishes from the three guests! Here’s hoping that your day is as uncomplicated as theirs (wouldn’t that make a change!).

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Empty Chairs in Paris

Posted on November 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When someone dies, one of the first noticeable things is the suddenly empty chair. Much has been written and spoken about this weekend’s terrible terrorist attack in Paris. What has been less commented on is the personal tragedy suffered by, not just the victims, but those they loved and who loved them…

There are many empty chairs in Paris today,
Il y a beaucoup de chaises vide en Paris aujourd’hui.
At breakfast,
a la petite déjeuner,
On the Underground,
dans le Metro,
In the office,
dans le bureau.
At lunch,
au déjeuner,
On the bus,
sur le bus,
In the bar,
dans le bar.
In the home,
dans la maison.

But most of all,
mais surtout,
in the heart,
dans le Coeur.

Vivre La France, avec amour.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Powerful Little Coin!

Posted on November 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went to get my phone repaired. One thing led to another and Mrs Bard and I had lunch and did some Christmas shopping. On our return to the car park I discovered that I needed a comfort break. I managed to track down some public facilities but they were coin-operated. Alas I only had plastic! I ran back up five flights of stairs, desperation growing, and finally tracked down a suitable coin in the foot-well of the car. A record-breaking dash worthy of Mo Farrah back down the stairs led to relief…

This humble little 20p,
about as small as a coin can be.
But if you’re desperate for a pee,
it has more power than a JCB!

Have a great day and don’t forget to take a 20p with you, just in case!

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The Remarkable Traffic Warden!

Posted on November 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We all love to hate Traffic Wardens and complain (as much as a three-year-old when caught stuffing todays post down the toilet!) when we are ticketed. Sometimes they can be accused of being over-zealous, however in my limited experience they can sometimes be most human…

Strutting around towns they march,
expressions as if they’re faces starched,
handing out tickets left and right,
acting as if they’ve a God-given might!

We are lucky in Baldock Town,
many a smile, hardly a frown,
Should you ever piss you take,
your number goes down from your plate!

Not long ago I was just collecting,
a tasty take-away was expecting,
“I’m so sorry, please do not scold!”
“Hurry along before your meal gets cold!”

No need to offer twice,
Thank you for ensuring no cold rice!

‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our cars, but in ourselves, for we are underlings!’ Have a great day and avoid fines of any sort!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Blame Game!

Posted on November 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When was the last time you broke something? Was it one of those silly moments when the breakage could have been avoided? When fertiliser arrives on the farm in one-tonne bags a lack of concentration can be serious. I was careless and broke a cladding sheet in the barn while stacking the bags with the JCB Loadall. It will be difficult to replace as it is heavy, awkward and in a very inconvenient place. The worst part is that there is no one else to blame…

I’ve a new window up in the barn.
While stacking fertilizer looked up with alarm,
I had heard a very large crack,
Now daylight was seen at the back!
It’s there now for all to see,
“Yes!” you’ll all know that it was me,
In future I’ll surely know,
steady with big bags to go!
It must be great to be able to blame others, however when there is never anyone else around it is not impossible but difficult!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Bombardment!

Posted on November 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

All over this weekend in the UK the predominant night-time sound has been that of fireworks. Last night they reached such a crescendo of sounds that I’d expect were reminiscent of a war zone. I had never experienced such a bombardment…

Sounds like Letchworth,
and Baldock are at war,
Sunday night explosions,
not heard before.
The night sky lights up,
with a thousand cannon flashes,
as both sides engage,
in more fiery clashes.
I race for the car,
to film for networks,
drive over the hill,
Phew! Only fireworks!

Please take a moment from your day to think of those who hear these sounds and know they are not fireworks but the sound of war.

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Nature’s Climbers!

Posted on November 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While splitting logs with the log-splitter the other day I noticed that I was no longer alone. I stopped work and gazed in amazement at a team of climbers who had no ropes, no hard hats and not an ounce of high-vis between them…

Health and safety doesn’t exist,
when wood-lice scale their wooden cliffs,
up they run right to the top,
not even for a breather stop!
Then there’s a crack, lo and behold:
they never miss a single foothold,
as before them a challenge new,
another climb before the day is through!
When faced with a new challenge, remember the woodlouse and power through! Have a great weekend. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The ‘F’ Word!

Posted on November 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If you have children, grandchildren or see children at any point during your day you’ll be able to recognise a ‘Frozen’ attack. It starts with just one chorus of ‘Let it Go’, possibly even sung as a joke at the bar or overheard in the office. By then, even though you don’t know it, you’re hooked. The next stage is dressing in sky blue whilst singing, howling or caterwauling ‘Let it Go!” Despite being mainly aimed at children, sometimes it even strikes down the elderly…

Woke up this morning quite disturbed,
in my head a song I’d heard,
wouldn’t shift ever hard I tried!
Round and round my brain was fried!
My Granddaughter came through the door,
I couldn’t take it any more,
as she ran to and fro,
she was screaming ‘Let it go-o!”
I knew by then I must lie down,
psychiatrist’s couch in Baldock town!
Outside the fields had no snow,
I just muttered “Let it Go!”
It’s been removed from my head,
replaced by emptiness instead.
They say release can be quite brief,
avoid it if you want relief.
I still hanker for a dress of blue!
the next afflicted could be YOU!

Why didn’t I write those lyrics? I have to admit the whole film/music/clothing thing is very cleverly aimed with a scatter-gun, affecting just about everyone! Criticism is simply jealousy!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Not Taking Terns!

Posted on November 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Unlike in humans, where greed is deplorable, in nature it’s often a means of survival. Recently on the river, my 3-year-old granddaughter threw some stale bread for the ducks. The resultant melee would have done justice to a saloon in the Wild West…

Like diners at an ‘all you can eat buffet’,
the terns fought over our bread,
no ‘excuse me’ or ‘pardon my manners’
but fighting and squawking instead!

“Why are they fighting?” she asked me,
“They’re greedy for food,” I replied,
they reminded me of hotel guests,
queuing for their hot breakfast fried!

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