Not A Harvest Morning!

Posted on August 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If anyone had been here, just after 6am, they would have witnessed a gruesome view. An elderly farmer in pyjamas and wellingtons, ventured out to check the rain gauge! With two disgruntled terriers, he walked as far as the gauge, swore, tipped out the contents (narrowly missing a peeing dog), and headed back for a much-needed coffee…

It’s hardly a summer’s morning,
damp with mist in the air.
The farmer checks the rain gauge
there’s 20mm in there!
No need to rush to the combine,
the trailer can stay in the shed,
the dogs have had their morning walk,
and all can go back to bed!

The last line is pure fiction I’m afraid as I never seem to get to complete my ‘to do’ list.
I hope you all have a great weekend.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Big Yellow Dinosaur!

Posted on August 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday my 2¾-year-old granddaughter watched as I took some broken hay bales into the wood. She kept at a safe distance, under her mother’s close supervision, while the task was carried out. While having a good understanding of most jobs on the farm (thanks are also due to her favourite programme – Tractor Ted!), she also has a healthy imagination…

The big yellow dinosaur came out of the wood,
hay fell from his jaws: “that was good,
I’ve eaten all my salad if you please”
Let out an enormous burp, that echoed around the trees!
He strode across the field, saw the little child,
reached out his neck, “I’m really not that wild!
When you are older and you have passed your test,
you can ride with me and wear a fluorescent vest!”
But the child had already lost interest in what her grandfather was doing and was picking wild flowers!

The Curse of the Cone!

Posted on August 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On a recent journey I was held up in traffic. When I reached the front of the queue I realised that the problem was an outbreak of cones! As it was after 5pm I was not surprised to see inactivity on the closed off section. Notch up another victory over common sense for ‘Elf and Safety…

Miles and miles of bloody cones!
Everyone’s on their mobile phones,
“Don’t know when we’ll be home for tea,
Not my fault, don’t blame me!”
Where is the workforce to be protected?
Yellow fluorescent, hard hats selected!
Where are the lorries carrying the load?
Where are the machines mending the road?
Where are the managers who on site roam?
It’s five o’clock, everyone’s gone home!
Where is the motorist who frowns as he groans?
Still stuck in the queue looking at cones!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Meeting and Making Friends!

Posted on August 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I am cheating. Every month I place a rhyming advert for the car boot sale in a local magazine (On Your Doorstep – Baldock). Last month’s was written very quickly on deadline day, I almost wrote it without thinking. Re-reading it this morning I suddenly realised that it rather summed up the car boot sale and what I think is our greatest achievement over twenty-four years…

Many go to the Boot Sale,
Not just to sell or buy,
But meet up with old friends,
And say ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi!’
They have a cup of coffee,
maybe something to eat,
They always meet on Saturdays,
be there every week!
They say it’s always friendly,
I believe it’s true,
So next Saturday we’re hoping,
We might see you there too!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the
Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Writer’s Tears!

Posted on August 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m always on the look-out for ‘quirky stuff’ to give me inspiration and provide the photo to head the daily blog. During the last 1,081 posts I’ve used a vast variety of images that I’ve seen while I’ve been out and about. This morning I’ve been distracted and spent far too much time looking through photo-files without producing a single word or thought. Then I came across a picture that seemed to sum up the situation when writers have a blank and wandering mind…

When your brain refuses to do,
and a blank page stares back at you,
you’ll confront all your deepest fears,
and grab a bottle of ‘Writer’s Tears!’
At first there’s just a feeling inside,
as a unicorn you prepare to ride!
Then a torrent of words appear,
no need to shed a writer’s tear!

This is, of course, pure fiction. When I have had a drink I lose control of my fingers and they write words like: wfhuffnc or bdmpeer!
Have a great weekend and enjoy words, however you discover them.

The Blue and Yellow Taxi!

Posted on August 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I spotted an unusual taxi parked in a taxi rank the other day. It was obviously ready for an urgent fare as it had blue lights and reflective bodywork. Later on I saw it rushing through town to deliver a passenger to an urgent meeting…

It’s a taxi for the criminal,
it’s a taxi for the bad,
when you are a passenger,
you know that you’ve been had!

The Farmer’s Unusual Purchase!

Posted on August 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been caught making an unusual purchase and had to fight to explain your way out of a tight situation? Yesterday I was caught buying two enormous bags of cat litter. No matter how hard I tried to explain my purchase I wasn’t believed…

“Why buy cat litter when you haven’t got a cat?
Two large bags, how strange is that?
No furry moggie to rub by your legs at night,
Or howl outside your window after a vicious cat fight!”
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Unloading the bags into the grain store,
“Do you have a cat or what is that for?
It’s a very odd place to be storing cat litter,
I’ve not seen it around,” he said with a titter!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

We had a slight flood at the bottom of the pit,
when I discovered the wet I said “Oh Dear!”
I pumped out the water into the drains,
Then down went the cat litter to soak up the remains.
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Carrying the bags around is making me fitter,
we’ve enough pellets left for a very large litter!
I’m not really sure if I need another pet,
might have a word with the local vet!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Visitors to the farm say they haven’t seen a cat.
“If you haven’t got a cat why do you need that?”
I try to reason I try to explain,
Nobody believes me when I say it’s for the rain!
“I might borrow a cat and put an end to all this!”
The ‘pit’ in this instance is an underground area in the store that houses the bottom of the elevator and other hidden pipes and chutes. Not a place that you want to visit too often as it’s very dusty and can get damp leading to a perfect use for cat litter!

Oh to be a Farmer!

Posted on August 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a very nasty condition that affects almost all farmers. It comprises of an inability to drive in the countryside without looking over the hedge to see what other farmers are doing. In the mainly-arable East of England it is at its height at this time of year…

The Cherrys have their combine out,
So have other farmers.
The Crosses are harvesting,
and so are the Palmers!

I’d better dash home again,
to see if harvest is near.
Carry out a moisture test,
from grain rubbed from the ear!

No it isn’t ready,
combining I can’t go.
Strange there is no difference,
from an hour ago!

To be on the safe side I think I’d better check again as I can hear a combine in the distance…!

Child with Crow!

Posted on August 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Trawling through some photographs I came across one that I think of as ‘Child with Crow!’ It was taken not far from here about 55 years ago when a small child (dressed rather oddly compared to modern children’s attire) met a tame crow…

“Good morning, Mr Crow,
how are you?
Are you living comfortably?
Do you enjoy the view?”

“Good morning child,
learning to walk?
I’m sure you are surprised,
that I can talk!”

Tell me Mr Crow,
Do you have a family?
Are they in a nest,
in a nearby tree?”

“They’re patiently waiting,
for me to find them food,
so I must dash,
don’t mean to be rude!”

So off went the crow,
and the boy went for his tea.
How do I know this?
The little boy was me!

…and now I must dash to open the gates at the Baldock Saturday car boot sales or I shall be faced with many irate customers. Have a great weekend, see you next week!

The Awesome Child!

Posted on July 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never understood why some parents actively promote the wonders of their children. Nearly all of us are proud of our offspring but most of us take steps to curb our enthusiasm in front of others. Certain clothes don’t help to stem this ‘My Child is Awesome’ syndrome…

My child is awesome,
in every way,
everything she does,
and everything she say!
She’s just fantastic,
superb in every way,
I’m left wondering,
How she’ll be great today!

Pass the bucket Mavis! I think I’m going to be…Bluuuuuuurg!