Wheely Good Exercise!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a very fraught time on the farm. In order to satisfy EU and UK red tape we are in paperwork mode and deadlines loom. This means checking and rechecking that the areas of the farm are correct. So the measuring wheel comes to the fore and exercise is taken. Forget the gym membership, go measure a field…

I went for a walk with a Mr Wheel,
Not used to walking, you’ll know how I feel!
He trundled along at quite a pace,
I said “slow down, it’s not a race!”

But he kept on, his numbers counting,
I struggled to keep up, calories-used mounting!
After three field headlands, I was no longer brave,
Passing cars tooted, passengers waved!

With all this walking, I suddenly found,
My loosened trousers fell to the ground!
So please Mr Regulator, may I appeal?
If my figures are wrong, please blame the wheel!

So if you see a farmer ‘enjoying’ a brisk walk,
Please don’t interrupt him and try to talk,
Because he’ll be breathless, unable to speak,
I suggest you wave and try again next week!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sally the Seagull

Posted on May 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Being from the landlocked county of Hertfordshire, I can never understand the venom with which seaside dwellers view seagulls. In our coastal-themed loo lives Sally the Wooden Seagull whose main purpose is to amuse our granddaughter while on the potty. This is accomplished with distinction earning Sally ‘The Grand Order of the Shell’ which she wears with pride…

Sally the seagull lives in the loo,
She has just one daily job to do!
Not from pensioners does she steal chips,
Or hang around landfill tips!
She sits under the basin all day long,
Once or twice breaking into song:

To the tune: ‘I do like to be beside the seaside’
“Oh I do like to be beside the toilet,
I do like to be beside the bog,
It’s just dynamite,
When the room smells not alright!
My mo-ther, was just a log!”

Remembrance Bells

Posted on May 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday at 11am we rang the two 15^th Century bells in our little village church to celebrate the 70^th anniversary of VE Day, the end of the Second World War. As I pulled on the rope with young Gabriel (in charge of ‘Dong’), I wondered what those who had sacrificed their lives would think of ours today. This made me pull harder…

I rang Ding,
Gabriel rang Dong,
The countryside echoed,
Ding Dong Ding Dong!

I wondered as we gripped,
the sallies with both hands,
Whether bells would ring,
In far-off foreign lands.

Then I thought,
Of deeds that had been done,
So Ding and Dong,
Could evermore be rung!

A Killer Strikes!

Posted on May 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We are down from ten to two chickens and it’s our own fault. If we kept them locked up in a shed they’d have been safe, however we like to see them roaming around the farm as nature intended. The two remaining hens, Mrs Brown and Mrs Black (Mrs White’s head was found detached from her body along with the others including the ‘Tiptoe Twins’). They now stick together and wander around wondering where their friends have gone and if there are tastier scraps to be found there, while I prepare a surprise for the fox…

On our farm about a week ago,
A fox came calling and away did go,
Killed our chickens removed their heads,
Whilst they were sleeping in their beds.
Feathers scattered all around,
My favourite hens dead on the ground.
If that fox had wanted food,
I wouldn’t hate him or be rude.
If I’m late to the boot sale then you’ll know,
I’m no longer woken by the cockerel’s crow!

Fertilizer Spreading!

Posted on May 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday as the country went to the polls we were busy spreading the last of the fertilizer on the wheat. Carl was on the spreader and I was attempting to keep him topped up with ton bags from the farm. The results of our day will take much longer to show…

We’re spreading fertilizer,
it helps crops to grow,
we calibrate the spreader,
or it comes out like snow.
Then off to the field,
to see if dose is right,
little pellets of goodness,
like hail – round and white!
Here comes the loader,
two more tons to be spread,
into the spreader,
then back to the shed!
By early evening,
the very last field,
now we need some rain,
to boost up the yield!
But not on Saturday morning!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Distant Kettle!

Posted on May 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The age of the smartphone has brought with it many useful side-effects. I have a socket in the house whereby I can turn on a light for the dogs if I’m running late. There are view-at-distance cameras whereby you can discover if those same dogs wear your smoking jacket, lounge on the best chairs eating your finest chocolates and watch Jeremy Kyle on afternoon telly in your absence. Yesterday I came across an unusual must-have App-controlled gadget…

I thought I’d seen most things in life,
I thought I’d seen it all,
But I realise I’ve been blinded,
Have seen nothing smart at all.
There on a shelf in Currys,
A wifi kettle (comes in blue!),
I said the the assistant:
“whatever does it do!”
“You download an App,
Then wherever you find you are,
You can turn on the kettle,
Whether you are near or far!”
“Gosh that will be useful,”
I exclaimed tongue in cheek,
“I can have boiling water here at home
When I’m on holiday next week!”

The Headless Voter!

Posted on May 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Tomorrow the country goes to the polls. By Friday morning we may well wake up to a weak government controlled by a mish-mash of other parties or a weak government controlled by Scottish Nationalists (how we used to laugh at Italian politics!). The media has run such a long campaign that it is guilty of introducing mind-numbing boredom and apathy towards the election. Unfortunately it’s the system we have, so it’s time to put up and shut up…

We get the politicians we deserve;
we stupidly think it’s us they serve.
They hide behind ancient walls,
like scurrying rats when voting calls.
They’re like light bulbs each and ever hour,
they only seek one thing: that’s POWER!

Grandpa’s mower!

Posted on May 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I watched an old man walking in the park pushing a three-wheeled walking-aid. It looked just as if he was mowing grass. Later on he could be seen walking back towards his home. I was impressed by his vigour, as during that whole time I’d not moved from my deckchair.

Every morning Grandpa goes for a walk,
gives him exercise, chance for a talk,
to others who’re taking their constitution,
an aged no-gym pensioner solution.

He pushes his three wheeler, he calls his lawnmower,
doesn’t need emptying, but gives him a blower,
when he gets back, with colourful cheeks,
he brews a cuppa, not felt better for weeks.

We mustn’t joke or laugh at his gait,
for we’ll soon be his age, not long to wait,
and if I reach ninety, heaven knows how,
I hope I’m as fit as he is now!

A Shocking Scene!

Posted on May 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On a Sunday morning before a Bank Holiday, everything should be calm and peaceful. While shopping I watched an elderly gentleman lose his cool. A very relaxed man (a Buddhist) once told me: When God made time he made plenty of it!” Perhaps we should all cool down a bit, particularly on a Sunday morning. What happened next will shock you as much as it shocked me…

I watched a pensioner,
eat his hat,
in Marks and Spencer’s
how about that?

He lost his cool,
he was irate,
his money-off voucher,
out of date!

If he is going,
to solace seek,
he might consider,
shopping mid-week!

I hope he soon,
gets much better,
before someone offers him,
salt and pepper!

Warning: Hats are considered low in calories but high in fibre. They are not generally edible. Care must be taken when positioning a hat near to dentures.
*Serving suggestion only.

Bienvenue a Baldock!

Posted on May 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday and today the High Street in Baldock has been transformed into a street market that you might see anywhere from Calais to Carcassonne. It is most strange hearing a ‘holiday language’ at home. It’s a great opportunity to relive memories of vaccances past…

There’s a French Market today in Baldock,
selling French bread, olives and cheese!
The accents are definitely not local,
“s’il vous plait” for today replaces please!
The stall holders are all ‘tres jolie’
pleased to be here and polite,
“Bonjour Monsieur – Dame,
Would you like to buy ham?”
Not a single French Onion in sight!
© Le Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Today and every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk