Eclipse Special Edition!

Posted on March 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the 11^th of August 1999? Do you recall standing about outside looking in vain towards the heavens for an eclipse that was totally obscured by cloud? Way back then I wrote two eclipse-style verses. I thought today might be a good excuse to reprint them and add a third and fourth…

6/8/99 Heralding the event of the year – the total eclipse of the sun.
I bought two thousand hand torches
At an auction near Morden in May
They’ve littered my house since I bought them
My wife said “Take them away”
On my stall at the boot sale near Baldock
ECLIPSE TORCHES – BUY ONE TODAY!
Sold them all to the fact I was shouting
“Don’t get caught in the dark on Wednesday!”

Wednesday August 11th 1999 The eclipse happened but was generally spoilt by cloud and rain.
I went down West to watch the eclipse
A once-in-a-lifetime not to be missed
I spent all Tuesday in a traffic jam
Would’ve arrived far sooner in a vintage tram!
I set up camp in a farmer’s field
More money than corn, tents can yield!
I bought special specs to protect my eyes
The money I spent was the real surprise
I waited and watched to no avail
It was cloudy and damp like last week’s boot sale!
I ended up cold broke and smelly
I’d have seen far more at home on telly!

Friday 20th March 2015
Plus ça change, so some say,
Another eclipse is here today,
They forecast cloud maybe rain,
We’ll not see very much again.
Perhaps we should have gone elsewhere,
To see if viewing’s better there,
But the finest view we’ll get today,
Is via the internet, the modern way!
There’s bound to be a clever-clog,
A picture on his ‘me me’ blog!
Don’t be jealous, don’t turn green,
He’s stolen the picture from another screen!

Wednesday, August 12th 2026,
(to be continued….maybe!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Les Visiteurs Canadien!

Posted on March 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many events that remind us how life is circular. Every year on the farm, like all the best hotels, visitors arrive and visitors depart. Some were born here and have returned whereas for some it is their first visit…

Monsieur et Madame Canadien Goose,
Doreen et sa cherie Bruce,
Arrived back on the farm last week,
(They’ve been dancing cheek to cheek!).
Very soon, (she’s getting fatter),
There will be a pitter-patter!
Of tiny geese who then will grow,
Learn to fly then off they’ll go!
And sometime at this time next year,
More Canadian Geese appear!
Life becomes one great event,
That’s repeated and heaven sent!

A walk in the Countryside!

Posted on March 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I took a long-overdue walk down a local footpath. Although overcast, the day was a reminder that Spring is almost here. In Roman times the sunken road used to link a leper colony with a burial ground. Now its use is purely for pleasure, how times change…

There’s nothing like a walk in the country,
On a mid-March afternoon.
The trees are still bare and leafless,
You won’t be seeing far soon!
Wellies are still necessary footwear,
As mud forms the floor of a path,
You may see a shy muntjac,
Or a mad hare that may make you laugh!
In this country a network of footpaths,
Are part of our heritage and pride,
Many end up with a hostelry,
And a thirst-quenching pint found inside!

Cheers!

The Bunch of Daffs!

Posted on March 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very reassuring about daffodils. They are rather like that one friend who always smiles and is cheerful despite whatever is going on in his/her life. They bounce into your life and always say nice things about you, bring the right bottle of wine and dance as if nobody’s watching! No wonder a certain poet was so enthusiastic…

I wandered lonely as a cloud…
That floats on high over Basildon!
Where all at once I saw a crowd,
They’d lost 7-1 to Billericay Town!
In the second half, on their knees,
No-one looking very pleased.
On the way home the manager said:
“I’ll buy some Daffs, then go to bed!”

With apologies and commiserations to fans, players and staff at Basildon Town FC, better luck next time. Apologies also to W. Wordsworth and all his supporters. Anyone who has been affected by the contents this programme can contact our helpline, details will follow after the credits.

Congestion and Indigestion!

Posted on March 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

A weekend guest was held up in traffic on Friday afternoon. Apparently the cause was an horrific accident. It made me consider the last time I was in heavy traffic, it wasn’t pleasant but when I passed the cause I realised you don’t have to look far to find somebody worse off…

The traffic’s bad and you feel that it may snow,
Your nose is blocked and you need a damn good blow.
The man in the car behind picks his nose,
When the motorway halts that’s when time slow-goes!

The traffic report says the road is clear,
The car’s spent ten minutes out of gear!
The ETA on the satnav is advancing,
And you feel like doing some naked tarmac dancing!

Then at last the traffic begins to move,
Your sense of humour slowly begins to improve,
You pass the accident that’s been shunted away,
And say a quiet prayer: “Thank heavens it wasn’t me today”.

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

The Wimp Goes Hunter Gathering!

Posted on March 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I was never much good at History when I was at school. I always believed it to be this week’s best, or at least most plausible, take on past times, tainted by modern ideology. There is a theory that apparently suggests that ancient farmers started off as wimpy, stay-at-home, mummy’s skirt-clutchers, whilst macho big-brothers went off hunter-gathering. This week I’ve been doing some hunter-gathering for a change…

I went to fetch the cultivator,
From its hibernation place,
I noticed some tines were broken,
And the points were a disgrace!
I had a quick ring round,
Alas none to be had,
“I’m afraid they’re on back-order,
The situation’s bad!”

So I ventured from the caveside,
Trusty hound by my side,
Harnessed the Mitsubishi,
A nice day for a ride!
Doug, a kindly Biggleswader,
Behind the counter at ABA,
Sourced everything I needed,
And sent me on my way!

So if you’re afraid of leaving your cave,
And venturing beyond the hill,
Visit Doug at Biggleswade,
For a hunting-gathering thrill!

Many thanks to Doug who went well beyond the call of duty and wore out his computer mouse locating and securing the parts I needed. Everyone needs a Doug on their side when hunter-gathering!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lucky Chimney Sweeps!

Posted on March 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Luck comes in all shapes and sizes! This week I’ve discovered that Julie Andrews was right when, as Mary Poppins, she sang “A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!” For some time our Aga cooker has not been working properly. Aga repair man and magician, Duncan, was considering coming to stay on a permanent basis. We came to the conclusion that the fault lay within our chimney. Our usual sweep had retired so we stepped into the unknown, went online and trusted to luck…

Oh heaven’s above what can we do,
We need a chimney sweep to sort out our flue!
We went online, ‘sweeping services’ looking,
Mrs Bard is cross, she can’t do any cooking!
Mr Daniels and Gareth arrived on the scene,
They looked the real deal their faces weren’t too clean!
Out with the rods, the power vacuum too,
And as quick as a flash the first chimney like new!
Then to the kitchen, this was a different matter,
Sticks from nests soon descended with a clatter!
They cleaned up all the mess and thus proved to me,
A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!

The moral of the tale is twofold: Money spent on a good quality chimneyguard is money never wasted and a Smiling-Sweep is more than worth his weight in gold!
*Also available at http://www.chimneysweep.info/

Wasted Young Lives – Again

Posted on March 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Six months before my son was killed in a traffic accident I wrote this verse. It lay forgotten in a file until this morning. This weekend saw yet more young lives lost. According to the press one of the drivers had only passed his test a few days before he died. News like this transports our family back to Februray 12th 2003. When will the carnage and wasted young lives stop?

Blue flashing lights announce the show.

“Roll Up, Roll Up for the greatest free show in town.”
“Slow Down, Slow Down so you can look around”
“The more you slow, the more you’ll know.”
“That’s right Sir, just enjoy the show!”

Fluorescent coats surround a crumpled car.
There is no need to hurry now as time ran out with the road.
The rookie fireman turns retching onto the grass unprepared for what he sees.
A policeman wipes away a single tear, he’s seen it often before.

The traffic slows in mock respect, to pry on private scenes.
“Don’t look now children!” says the father as he slows the car to get a better view.
Others look upon the scene with scorn, it could never happen to them, while with protesting tyres they narrowly avoid hitting the car in front.
Traffic builds up in the other direction, they have further to look.

Photographs are taken, not of weddings or births, christenings or celebrations, but of twisted agony.
“Smile Please” has no place here.
Paperwork will turn tragic waste into a statistic.
Young bodies lie side by side under a blanket: their passion, heartbeats and racing pulses idle.

The show is over.

Policemen knock on distant doors with dread.
A mother wails “No, No, No” while her husband lays a gentle hand on her shoulder and thanks the officer for a thankless task.
A father curses the day he lent his son the deposit for a first car.
A sister lies weeping in her room, time a-plenty to regret last words never spoken.

The only remaining stains at the scene are skid marks that point to a broken fence and damaged tree, no bandage for this injury.
Flowers appear, a shrine to youthful inexperience, a mark of family grief for others to glance at while speeding on their way muttering:
“That could never happen to me”.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Watery Weekend Terriers!

Posted on March 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a narrow-boat. Our terriers seemed to like their watery weekend! They were very well behaved until it was time for bed…

Double decker warming, sitting by the fire,
The old dog’s below, the younger is higher!
The old dog then barks, as if there’s an intruder,
The younger starts to yap, is it time for food-er?
But when it’s finally time, to make up the bed,
One ends on the pillow, the other by my leg!
They don’t understand weekends it’s like any other day,
Come early morning, it’s ‘get up now we say!’
I struggle up to let them out so they can shake a leg,
I turn around twice, they’ve sneaked back to bed!