Man Holds Up Supermarket Checkout!

Posted on March 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Imagine the scene: It is a weekday afternoon, you’ve finished work, picked up two grumpy kids from school and entered ‘Mummies Hell’. That’s right, you are doing the shopping for the weekend. Finally your trolley is full, the job is done, when…

Upon reaching the checkout,
The final hurdle to climb,
You start to fill the conveyor belt,
Shopping done in record time!
The trolley’s finally empty,
You sort the bags for life,
But there is a hold-up,
A man without his wife!
He’s a-struggling and a-wrestling,
His shopping’s in a pile,
The carrier bags won’t open,
He may quite a while!
So you saunter over,
With that withering look you can,
“The reason you can’t open them,
Not your fault you’re a man!”

With thanks to the kind lady who opened some bags for me this week. Yes! I did notice ‘the look’ and Yes! I did concede it was a gender failing and Yes! I did laugh with the lady on the checkout at my failing – OK? And still I find I can’t open the ‘effin things!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Journey to Work!

Posted on March 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a time when it was forecast that computers would spell the end of commuters! Judging by the daily stampede for the station, the prediction was wrong. Many people I know commute every day into the Capital, many like me walk a few yards to work. Sometimes the different tribes look at each other across the fence…

Packed into the carriage like sardines,
Off to the city they go,
Each commuter an island,
As they rattle too and fro!

Old Bill drives his tractor,
Practicing his craft,
Muttering to himself every day:
“And they thinks I is daft!”

Have a good day, wherever you are and however you got there!

Lions and Lambs in March!

Posted on March 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather in March can always be uncertain. The days are getting longer however it is a month of ‘two coats’. ‘Two coats’ is the difference between standing out of the wind in the sunshine and standing in the shade! It is also a month for lambs and lions…

Yesterday was a cold crispy morning,
Sunshine later, added some warming.
After lunch wouldn’t you know?
The sky grew dark and we had snow!
But this weather could be a sham,
March, In like a lion, out like a lamb!

…better get those barbecues ready for the end of the month!

Bertie the Buzzard

Posted on March 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As a farmer I consider myself lucky to be able to observe wild birds and animals at close quarters. Sometimes habits are observed that almost display human qualities. Occasionally I hand out names…

Bertie the Buzzard sits by the road,
On a thin branch that just copes with his load,
He watches the traffic, lorries and cars,
I wonder if his thoughts are similar to ours!
Has he worked out by observing behaviour,
That mans rushing about gives him roadkill to savour!
Or does he just sit there thinking of love?
That may possibly end with a mate from above,
Who circles the sky in sun and in rain,
Saying “There’s that Bertie – watching traffic again!”
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Cardboard – A Sign Of Weakness!

Posted on March 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While filling our recycling bin with all the recyclable detritus of our everyday life, I swore at the volume of cardboard. It was then that I realized that much of it was as direct a result of ‘Grandchild Spoiling’. I must rein myself in…

I wish that I made cardboard,
To package all the toys,
Some would be for girls,
and some would be for boys.
And at the end of the day,
I’d fill my wheely bin,
And see the cardboard used again,
To package everything!

The bin is never big enough,
To hold all I’ve acquired,
So I have to cram it in,
Which makes me very tired!
I have a simple solution,
I’ll practice it next week,
I shall resist the purchase,
(unless I’m feeling weak!)

Around Baldock With A Fridge!

Posted on February 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, author Tony Hawks wrote the book, ‘Round Ireland with a Fridge’ where he travelled the Emerald Isle with a small fridge in tow! The other day I took an old fridge to the local tip. Alas it was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday, so the domestic appliance stayed in the car for two days. I became rather attached to it…

I’m driving around Baldock with a Refrigerator,
Will drop it off at the local tip later!
“Is that a fridge you’ve got there Mate?”
Is a phrase I’ve come to hate!
It’s been to Tesco, Sainsburys too,
It now wants to visit the zoo!
It’s joined me for a takeaway,
Wants to take tea at the Ritz one day!
Didn’t think much to the local park,
Or being left in the car when it was dark!
It then demanded a friend to play,
So I left it at the tip and drove away!

…the car seemed very empty and I was considering going to retrieve it until I found an old rusty barbecue!

Pan Pipes Play Abba!

Posted on February 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While clearing out a shed yesterday I came across some musical gold. So surprised was I at the discovery that I had to immediately find a CD player and luxuriate in the melodies….

Pan pipes play Abba,
What a great fantastic treat!
It’s their greatest achievement,
One they never will repeat!
Played in lifts and lobbies,
Hotel music par excellence,
I believe unique in chart history,
Even top ten over in France?
So alerting all musical collectors,
Who may be lacking this CD,
I’ll put it to one side,
And you can bin it just for me!

Before anyone questions my musical integrity, No! it wasn’t mine, I believe it must have arrived amongst the rubbish from the car boot sales. Please believe me!

When I Am Old I will Not Wear Purple!

Posted on February 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I am old I will not wear purple – I shall have a mobility scooter instead! Everyone better watch out when this bad-tempered pensioner takes to the streets or more importantly, the supermarket! It won’t be long…

I was minding my own business,
Shopping in a far-off town,
When all of a sudden from nowhere,
A scooter ran me down!
Now I’m not complaining,
That some folk need these things,
But suddenly their size has grown,
Next they will have wings!
I picked myself up from the floor,
My shock didn’t linger,
The next thing that the pensioner did,
He gave me the finger!
I just can’t wait,
Until my turn arrives,
I’ll arm it like a chariot,
Watch folk run for their lives!

It should be noted that the charioteer in the picture is just a serving suggestion and not the guilty party!
With apologies to the famous poet Jenny Joseph for paraphrasing her wonderful poem’s title. ‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple’ is one of my all-time favourite poems.

Chicken Manure!

Posted on February 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I do love shopping at discount stores, you never know what you’re going to find. Many years ago I worked on a chicken farm. Every so often we used to clear out the chicken muck from the large sheds. It was an aroma-filled job that used to clear chesty coughs and colds…

Many many years ago,
Into muck-filled sheds I’d go,
The air was filled with a pungent perfume,
Replaced by clean shavings very soon!
We shifted many tons of muck,
(not a job with any luck!),
Never thought I’d ever see,
Bags in a shop – get one free!

Ernest’s Underwear!

Posted on February 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While shopping in M&S recently I watched a very ernest man of a certain age carefully place his purchases on the belt at the checkout. My immediate, rather uncharitable thought, was: ‘I hope mummy reminded him to put his vest on this morning!’ My second guess was correct, he did indeed have a small leather horseshoe-shaped purse…

Ernest shops in M&S,
Mummy told hIm for success:
“Always wear clean underwear
In case taken ill when you’re out there!”

“You will never be embarrassed
Whether London, Rome or indeed Paris!”
So Ernest always tries his best,
To wear clean pants and pristine vest!

Occasionally Ernest gets a date,
They see his vest and it’s too late!
They can’t look at his white tummy,
So quite content he returns to mummy!

With many apologies to Ernest’s everywhere!
English to American English translation: ‘Pants’ in this context mean knickers not trousers! However ‘Ernest’ would never say knickers without breaking into a nervous tittering girlie-giggle! His mother would not approve of such frivolous language!