Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

Posted on February 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Polish week in Lidl (as if you didn’t already know!). Amongst the shelves of Schab Pieczony, Tlyzcki and Golonka Kresowa is a bottle of vodka. “Okrzvki!” (cheers!) you may be thinking, however you’d possibly be wise not to use “Na Zdorovie!” (cheers in Russian!) as it may earn you a visit from the KGB…

Should President Putin solace seek,
He’d better miss Lidl today
There’s a liquid suggestion,
Of which he’ll no notice pay!

He’s had advice in the past,
From Washington to Rome,
Russian Soldiers in Ukrane,
Just Putin-off back home!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock ‘Prodazha avtomobiley zagruzki’ (car Boot Sale!)Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Crops Away!

Posted on February 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday saw the final load of last year’s harvest leave the farm. It is a time for reflection, but also anticipation of another harvest to come. It marks the start of a ‘deep clean’ campaign to ensure that crops leaving this farm are up to standard…

The last of Harvest ’14 has left the farm,
Unless a zombie attack there is no alarm,
The shed is empty, the grain store clear,
No more crops ‘till harvest appear.
Before that sweeping, vacuuming too,
Washing implements till they shine like new!
I’ll await an inspector with a fine toothcomb,
Who’ll frighten me to death then disappear home!
Finally comes August such far off days,
The crops will return in a hot heat haze!
And I will sing a happy refrain:
“Harvest is here off we go again!”Thanks to all the drivers who have carted away our grain. You’re a great bunch who deserve more recognition for the work you all do.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Limpy The Pheasant!

Posted on February 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

In the open-sided shed behind the house I have a place for sweepings from the grain store. All kinds of birds flock there to eat, particularly during this cold and snowy weather. One frequent visitor is Limpy the cock-pheasant who cannot help but smile these days…

Limpy the pheasant is most relieved,
To see February around again,
He doesn’t care about the snow,
He doesn’t mind the rain,
He just satisfies himself,
To live right by the farm,
And limp up to the feeding bay,
With no sense of alarm!
There is no more sound of shooting,
No men dressed up in tweed,
His only worry is each day,
Where am I going to feed?
The only thing to worry him,
Apart from that old dog fox,
Is whether he’ll find himself a hen,
Before any other cocks!

Security Shock!

Posted on February 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On-farm security is unrecognizable as opposed to the past. These days I carry around a set of keys like a jailer! We are told to look for signs of the unusual every day. Perhaps I should resist going out until I’m more awake or had another mug of coffee…

I walked up the yard,
To open up the barn,
I thought I was being followed,
I was slightly alarmed.
I looked over my shoulder,
Of intruder was no sign,
Was then that I realised,
The footprints were all mine!

Delivering Hay!

Posted on February 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The hay I made last summer is now being delivered and eaten by horses around North Hertfordshire. In the most part the end users are very pleased to see the supplies arrive and stacked in the barn…

I took hay to a livery yard,
Didn’t have to travel far,
A carefully stacked up load,
On a trailer behind the car!
Russell came to help me,
As I find it quite a strain,
Chucking bales around,
As if 21 again!

The horses seemed pleased to see us,
“Our supplies were getting low,
Come on get those bales off
Then we will let you go!”
As I was reversing out of the yard,
To Russell an old horse said,
“Thank heavens you’re here with that oldie,
He’s unfit and over-fed!”

I stopped the car to remonstrate,
Was calm and polite of course,
When all of a sudden it struck me,
“Oh! Good grief, a TALKING HORSE!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Och Aye! It’s Lidl

Posted on February 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the great joys of shopping in Aldi or Lidl is the unexpected items you come across. The other day in Lidl, Mrs Bard and I came across some items of clothing from another country. Burns Night was a week ago, but who knows what goes on in Letchworth amongst the Scottish émigrés…

There are kilts for sale in Lidl,
(only four remain),
alongside an electric rice kettle,
and stuff to get rid of a stain!
There’s Scotch near the checkout,
and porridge in the aisle,
in fact enough to satisfy,
the choosiest Scottish exile!With apologies to anyone from ‘beyond the wall’ (Hadrian’s), I wish you a belated Happy Burns Night! (so does Lidl!)

Ungrateful Ducks!

Posted on January 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

Stereotypes!

Posted on January 29, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a telephone conference with a stereotypical pariah, who turned out to be extremely helpful and pleasant. It led me to consider how easy it is to take part in mass criticism and tar everyone with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ brush. Can you guess his occupation (answer at the end)…

All farmers are millionaires,
They drive around all day,
Shouting out instructions,
Never fling a bale of hay!
They always have a collie,
Who barks when folk walk by,
They’re always pleading poverty,
It’s enough to make you cry!
They’re always dressed in tweed,
Shoot anything that flies,
To open up their wallet,
With a crowbar prise!
They grub up all the hedgerows
Their face is always tanned,
They scream at any walkers:
“Get orf my ‘effin land!”

To Mike, my new Lloyds Bank manager and all those before him.

Stranger Danger?

Posted on January 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When did we become a nation that is suspicious of all strangers? We have always had a history of being a ‘welcoming society’… Or have we? On my way out of the farm yesterday I turned onto the main road and very soon passed a man walking up the road in the opposite direction (an unusual sight this far from town). With thoughts of at least a ransacked house streaming through my head I turned around and headed back. Hiding behind a hedge I was relieved to watch the lone walker pass by…

There’s a stranger walking by,
I’m sure he’s up to no good,
He may be about to ransack the house,
Or steal a load of wood!
Or perhaps he just out for a stroll,
Taking in fresh air,
He’s actually doing no harm at all,
As far as I’m aware!

Should I have acted differently?
Offered a cup of tea?
Or should I man the barricades,
In case he a wrong’un be?

Perhaps it’s time we all gave strangers some benefit of the doubt and stopped being driven by startling stories in the media?

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Joys of Communication (and Old Age!)

Posted on January 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I realised the other day, while walking down the street, that I’ve become a M.O.B. (Miserable Old Bar-Steward). A group of teenagers sat in the sunshine and all were using their smartphones. “Huh!” I said to myself (muttering in public being one of the early symptoms), “I bet they’re ‘talking’ to each other!” I continued my slow journey to the library muttering about “the youth of today!” Later on I recognized with horror that I had turned into my father. It’s time I was put out to pasture…

Oh! The joys of a mobile phone,
(Or whatever they’re called now!)
We must be in touch all of the time,
At home or on the plough!
Whatever did we do in olden days,
A phone box did we seek?
Didn’t care about connectivity,
And sulk in a fit of pique!

Do you remember talking,
When you went out for a meal?
Brains were used instead of Google,
Today crosswords are hardly real!
Groups of teenagers snap-chatting away,
(To the ones they’re standing beside!)
Leaves you wondering where it will end,
If conversation has finally died!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk