It’s All Greek To Me!

Posted on January 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

So the Greeks have been to the ballot box and voted to give Angela Merkel and the rest of the EU the finger! What happens next? It’s a scenario that could only happen in a southern European country, where working hours are tradionally short and lunch is long. Northern Europeans have never understood the Southerners. If the truth be known, they could have possibly been slightly jealous of their ‘devil may care’ attitude!. Thirty years ago commentators were discussing a ‘two-tier Europe’, perhaps the time has arrived…

The Greeks went to the Ballot box,
With austerity they didn’t agree,
Said to Europe, “Get off our backs,
There’ll be no payback, see!”

Ceremonial guards do the goose-step,
Tourists watch with glee!
Domestica and Retsina by the glass,
They’re desperate to pee!

Taramasalata and Pitta bread,
Overlooking the sea?
Fakelaki backhanders greasing palms,
There’s nothing here for free!

Billions donated by Europe?
Austerity, generations may see,
I don’t understand the problem,
It’s all Greek to me!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

A ‘Bridal’ Lunch in Ireland!

Posted on January 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went shopping yesterday to the up and coming metropolis of Biggleswade! Mrs Bard had mislaid her wedding ring. Having not bought the original I offered to buy her a new one to tide her over until her family heirloom resurfaced from its safe hiding place. Finding just the thing in the exclusive part of a catalogue store, I thought I’d better celebrate the event by taking her out to lunch! So we drove to Ireland and had a wonderful meal before driving home…

There’s a new wedding ring, on my wife’s finger today,
(Nearly 36 years, since I last said ‘Oh Yeah!’)
The assistant looked up, there were tears in her eyes,
“Not many marry here, it’s quite a surprise!”
There was no vicar, no friends in a pew,
And I quite forgot, to say ‘Yes I do!’
Out came the bank card, into the machine,
And she was my wife again, or was it a dream?
Mini-moon in Ireland, (to sate hunger and thirst!),
Ate three whole courses, thought my trousers would burst!
And then back to Baldock, the day trip was over,
I lit the fire and my bride snoozed on the sofa!

With thanks to the staff at the Black Horse, Ireland, Nr Shefford, Bedfordshire, for a truly superb lunch.
Why don’t you try something different by going to Ireland for lunch or dinner sometime?
www.blackhorseireland.com
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

Posted on January 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Wednesdaty I dragged Mrs Bard around the Lamma agricultural show at Peterborough. It was by and large an information-gathering exercise as well as a chance to see large shiny machinery (big boys toys!) I can neither afford nor justify. However one simple idea caught my eye. On our farm we have long since given up growing crops like oil-seed-rape and peas that pigeons destroy, so it was a case of admiring a wonderfully simple idea/product in action. It’s basically a kite, on a wire, on a pole…

You can fly it over many acres of OSR,
Or on an allotment if you have pigeons to bar!
If you’ve a problem with the neighbour’s cat,
Fly a Scarem and that could be that!
So all of you who in towns do dwell,
It could save your voice and flowerbeds as well!

…Only joking – we all just lurve cats!

Check out the Scarem kites at http://www.scarem.co.uk/
Brilliant, British and hated by pigeons everywhere!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

The March of Time!

Posted on January 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a large agricultural machinery show taking place at Peterborough today and tomorrow called LAMMA. It showcases the latest and largest tractors, combines, sprayers and cultivators that money can buy. A generation ago, life was much simpler, the industry was simpler and tractors had no heating, air-conditioning or even cabs…

Here comes old Bert on his ‘new’ row-crop tractor,
Smiling fit to burst is that a great factor?
Life was much harder in so many ways,
What would he make of farming these days?
Milk cheaper than water in a bloody great store,
Kids who have everything and still yell for more!
Combines cost hundreds of thousands of pounds,
What farmers do decided by ‘them live in towns’.
Rules and regulation come in from abroad,
Government spend billions that we can’t afford.
Old Bert led a simple life, happy was he,
A hard day at work then home for his tea!

http://www.lammashow.com/
In memory of my Uncle Pat and all those who worked with him on a farm near Bishop’s Stortford in Hertfordshire. God bless them all. Without them I wouldn’t be here today.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Bottom Glasses!

Posted on January 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was almost taken in by a scam E-mail. So well crafted was the fake site that I very nearly clicked on the ‘ENTER PERSONAL DETAILS AND LET US STEAL MONEY FROM YOU!’ hyperlink. It was only when running the cursor over the link that I noticed it was attempting to send me to: disneymansion.com/support that I realized Goofy was attempting to play tricks with me…

I’ve must get a pair of bottom glasses,
So I can see behind me in computer classes!
It’s become very apparent you can see,
That scammers, cleverer, are attempting to be,
In getting hold of personal details,
Their lookalike scams sometime derails.
So even if they’re from North Korea,
Let hope the Karma Fairy gives them Diarrhea!

…Or locks them into a theme park for a month/year until they go mad at the sight of cartoon characters with huge fiberglass heads and leaves them begging for food other than burgers and fries!
There are some nasty people hiding out there, take care today and always, they must not be allowed to succeed.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Back Pain!

Posted on January 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I have spent much of the past week grumbling about my bad back. Now it is getting better I realise that although it hurt with movement, it was a minor inconvenience compared to the illness suffered with fortitude by by some. Apparently there is a phrase in common usage that applies to me: ‘Man Up!’. I resolve to enjoy my good health in future rather than complain about minor irritations…

Lying on the floor,
Looking at the ceiling,
I suddenly felt guilty,
About this most strange feeling!
I realised I didn’t ache,
No longer was in pain,
And very soon I’d be,
Back to normal again.
I suddenly felt lucky,
My illness had been sparse,
And the realisation dawned:
I was a pain in the arse!

Dedicated to all those who are ill this morning.
May you soon see comfort and relief from your pain and enjoy a Happy Monday.
With love from me.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Snoring in the Bath!

Posted on January 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day while replacing the spare wheel back into the boot of Mrs Bards car, I pulled a muscle in my back. It has been sheer agony, far worse even than Man Flu. I have spent most of the time since, flat on my back unable to move. Luckily Mrs Bard has been a wonderful nurse, however I think her patience with the patient is wearing thin…

Last night I lay relaxed and warm in the bath,
My six-pack all foamy (Don’t make me laugh!),
All of a sudden the water was cold,
“Fallen asleep?” Mrs Bard, did me scold!
“Errr… No dear,” I replied, made a grab for the towel
Goosebumps and loose bumps I tried to call ‘foul!’
The moral, if needed, is quite clear to see,
Set an alarm clock if bathing relaxed you be!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Peppa Pig and the Skinny Tyre!

Posted on January 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning Grand-daughter Bard and I sat watching Peppa Pig while her grandmother popped out to the shops. The episode was all about Grandpa Dog’s garage. Suzi Sheep (Peppa’s best friend), is out in the car with Mummy Sheep when they have a puncture and Grandpa Dog comes to the rescue. Little did I know that Grandpa Bard and Grand-daughter Bard were about to do the same…

“Help! I’ve got a puncture,
The tyre has gone flat,
I was about to do some shopping,
I guess that takes care of that!”
“Don’t you worry Grandma Bard,
We’ll be on our way,
The tyre will soon be changed,
It’ll look like child’s play!”

Arriving at the scene,
We noticed air was missing,
We put our ears to the tyre,
We could hear some hissing!
I searched in the boot,
For a wheel to change,
Underneath everything else,
A space-saver from another range!

But it seemed to fit,
I drove back like a nun!
And we all agreed,
We don’t want another one!
It looked easy on Peppa Pig,
Like falling off a log,
Next time we have a puncture,
We’ll call for Grandpa Dog!

You too can watch this episode here: (http://www.channel5.com/shows/peppa-pig/episodes/granddad-dogs-garage) With thanks to the real ‘Grandpa Dog’, John W. who came to my rescue when I couldn’t remove the punctured wheel from the car!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

National ‘Back Up Your Hard Drive Week!’

Posted on January 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is ‘Be Nice to a Chicken Day’ or ‘Take a Carrot to Work Day’ or something equally ridiculous! It is also a ‘non’ time that is still close to Christmas (the odd needle from the Christmas tree is still showing up in the vacuum cleaner) but not yet time to think about Easter Eggs and the possible cold wintery weather between! From recent personal experience I think it should be ‘Back up your Hard Drive Week’…

I’m without my Mac,
I’m getting pretty wet!
The laptop is unwell,
Backup I did forget.
It could have been worse,
It hadn’t been for long,
But backups are invaluable,
When everything else goes wrong.
Everyone should have a Lee,
Who rolls his eyes and says:
What have you done this time?
“No back up HOW MANY DAYS?”
So backup little and often,
Is the moral of this tale,
Or you’ll displease your Lee,
When your computer fail!

With thanks to Lee and the others at Encompass in Weston, Herts for yet again dealing with my incompetance (despite attempting to bar my entrance to their premises in an effort to ward off evil spirits!) They are a jolly crowd who are a pleasure to deal with who also posses ‘Magic Mac Fingers’

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

Posted on January 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had an earth-shattering moment when something upsets you to the Nth degree? I suspect we have all encountered poor service that has made us see red. However I wonder how many of you have been left wondering what all the fuss was about the next morning…

Tracking on the parcel,
Said “It will arrive today,”
I couldn’t quite believe it
So quietly said ‘Houray!’
I tried again at 4pm
I spoke to a call centre
“I can confirm delivery,
Today we will present’er!”

By a quarter to five,
I was rather less certain,
“Where is my parcel?”
“In the van behind the curtain!”
At a quarter past seven,
I was waiting by the road,
“Will now be out on Monday,
Driver couldn’t find your road!”

However on Saturday morning,
My temper had gone away,
I drove to a Luton depot,
And took my lost parcel right away.
So if you find you’re angry,
It’s less important than you think,
You wont give a damn about UPS,
Being worse than CityLink!

A note for my foreign readers: CityLink went out of business on Christmas Day. UPS has over a thousand complaints on the Internet. If there were an alternative and reliable delivery service then UPS would be consigned to history too.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk