The Printer Doctor of Letchworth!

Posted on January 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

My trusty laser printer suddenly started to chew up paper before completely jamming up. Being from the ‘Throw-It-Away-Generation’ I started looking for a new printer. Then I thought about the £110 cartridge that I’d only just installed, added that to the ‘bargain prices’ and thought again! I looked online for a printer repairer and Iain from solutionshq.co.uk came into my printer’s life…

I took my printer to the printer doctor,
It was poorly and feeling unwell,
It was unable to digest the paper,
And had paper constipation as well.

I got an appointment in minutes,
Left her in overnight,
By this morning she was feeling much better,
Whirring and printing just right!

So here’s to Iain the printer doctor,
Thanks for the magic performed,
I hope I don’t need to see you shortly,
Because my printing is now perfectly formed!

With many thanks to Iain (http://www.solutionshq.co.uk) for laying his magic fingers onto my HP and making it better! (The problem was traced to a grape stalk that my granddaughter had inserted thinking the printer was a bin!).

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Je Suis Charlie

Posted on January 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It takes an event such as today’s murderous attack on a satirical magazine in Paris to remind us how precious and rarefied our freedoms are. Anyone who writes for a blog, a newspaper or magazine or the media should today realise how lucky we are to live in a society that espouses freedom of speech.

“I may not agree with what you say but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Voltaire

#Jesuischarlie

Baldock Bard

Attention in the Ranks!

Posted on January 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

According to recent stories in the press, a guide has been written to inform servicemen how to address officers. Instances have been found where lower ranks have called officers ‘Mate’ or ‘Boss’. Having never been in the military (apart from a brief stint as a bugle-playing cadet), I would have thought this was as obvious as recognizing the difference between certain farm animals. However it would seem that it’s not as easy as it appears…

There is one thing senior officers hate,
That’s a low-ranker calling them ‘Mate’.
They also seem at a total loss,
When anyone calls an officer ‘Boss!’
The published reminder (no doubt astute),
Tells all squaddies who to salute!
(Could be awkward during sabotage,
With everyone dressed in camouflage!)

Cadet Private Baldock Bard is in the second row from the back in the above photo, holding his bugle at the wrong angle, beret askew and awaiting court-martial!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Back-to-Work Monday!

Posted on January 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s ‘Back to Work’ Monday! A day when it is most important that a good night’s sleep has been had so the harsh realities of everyday can be assimilated with a clear mind! We’re all going to struggle to get through the day, however some of us are going to suffer more, thanks to a bad nights sleep…

We have a terrier his name is Chip,
We think he’s about sixteen,
He likes to think he’s hard done by,
But rarely makes a scene.
Sometimes he sneaks into our bed,
My wife feels his warm back.
I bear the brunt of sharpened claws,
Of a snoring contented Jack!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Confusing Times!

Posted on January 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I always find this time of year confusing. Folk wander about not knowing what day it is, they rush to the shops, only to realize they are repeat-looking at the same ‘bargains’ they ignored the day before. When dog walking in the park they walk silently as they’ve no idea what to wish other dog-owners today? They’ve used up ‘Happy Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year’ and have no idea whether it’s Tuesday or Sunday. As a farmer with no livestock the choice is simple, or is it….?

I woke up this morning,
Didn’t know what to do,
Had I woken near Baldock?
Or maybe Timbuktu?
I quietly went downstairs,
Couldn’t think what day it be,
Went to let the dog out,
The rain came in on me!

I knew we’d had Christmas,
I knew we’d had New Year,
Was I supposed to work today?
I had no idea.
So I made a decision,
Albeit full of flaws,
I’d go back to my warm bed,
Ignore the wet outdoors!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Blue Car has a Fifth Wheel

Posted on January 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When guests have been to stay, their parting always leaves a vacuum. This New Year one guest made a spectacular parting which left us all speechless! What happened next may make you chuckle…

To protect her identity we’ll call her Flo,
This’ll save her reputation where-ere she go!
She waved goodbye on 2nd January morn,
Then drove her front wheel over our well-mown lawn!
We stood in wonder as she went off half cock,
Her rear wheel caught on a rather large rock!
Put there to protect the grass so real,
Not designed to be a car’s fifth wheel!
She got out and said: “Oh deary me!”
I went to fetch the JCB!

Thankfully nobody was hurt and a New Year Legend was born!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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How Much is the Fishy…!

Posted on January 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Fishy Just before New Year I was shopping with my 2yo granddaughter. Something caught her eye and as usual I was in trouble for being slow to respond! As an ‘Inlander’ my knowledge of fish is less than my understanding of the ancient tribe of nomads that used to wander the ‘Great Plains of Baldock’. So I answered by making up “The Fishy Song”. At this point she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and muttered something about my obvious silliness. Sung to the tune of ‘How much is that doggy in the window!’…

How much is that fishy on the counter?
The one that is sitting on ice!
I’m hungry and I want it for supper,
That fishy on my plate would look nice!

Wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year 2015

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
 With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

The New Year’s Resolution!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The world and his wife seem to be talking about what they are going to forgo come midnight tonight. I too have given it much thought, although my options were limited, I seem to have come to a decision (of sorts)…

Someone gave me a box of Maltesers,
Chocolate covered ball-shaped pleasers!
I’d been wondering what to sacrifice,
For my New Year resolution had to be nice.
I could quite easily give up drinking,
I don’t smoke so I was thinking,
In a weak moment dark and late,
I could leave chocolate off my plate!
Just in case my resolve was forgot,
I went and ate the bloody lot!
I decided I couldn’t possibly go through,
Not eating something that’s so good for you!
Wishing you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, may dreams come true for you and those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Relieved Geese!

Posted on December 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have twelve ‘guard geese’ on the farm. Around the middle of December they become a little wary and nervous. I’ve never got around to telling them that their purpose is to guard the farm and not grace a plate at Christmas, it keeps them on their toes…

Our geese have been celebrating of late,
Because they’ve avoided the Christmas plate!
The same can’t be said of Turkey Murray,
‘Cos he’s now become turkey curry!
The geese have returned to imposing fear,
As they prepare to celebrate another New Year!

© Baldock Bard 2014 
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Post Christmas Postures!

Posted on December 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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