Leave The Past Behind!

Posted on November 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever re-visited a place from your youth and found it had changed beyond recognition? The campsite where you spent your first ‘without-parent’ holiday, that you remember being in the middle of nowhere, is now a car park surrounded by high-rise hotels. The small village school you attended is now a thousand-student-plus academy! These are obscure examples but I bet you could add more? What about food memories? Mrs Bard and I were on the road yesterday and I treated her to a vintage lunch. She was NOT impressed that I chose to travel back in time at a once-famous roadside eatery…

“All-day Breakfast please,
and a burger for my wife!”
The waitress was disinterested,
we were interrupting her life!
As soon as it came to the table,
I groaned when I saw it was mine,
either my memory had adjusted,
or my tastes had differed with time.
I can’t even describe the ‘sausage’,
the taste was nowhere near Gold!
The mushrooms were for the high jump,
the potatoes tasted of mold!
So those who are healthy and haughty,
Will say I made a mistake,
I should have ordered a salad,
Or a coffee and small carrot cake!

…this time history will not be repeating itself like the All-day Breakfast did!
Lesson learnt – leave past hidden in box in attic!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Bean-Sweeping Fool!

Posted on November 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you a task that you hate doing at work? Is there a job that you’d pass on without a moments thought to the intern or office junior? I have and it’s called sweeping beans out of a silo. It is noisy, dusty and fills your hair with itchy bits of bean/straw/pod! Yesterday I looked around for someone to shoulder the task, but only saw myself in the tractor mirror! So into the bin I went. Job done I faced the problem of getting rid of the dust…

There’s an alien in the yard,
Dressed in overalls and looking marred,
His hair is having the worst of days,
He’s limping, muttering and in a daze!
He’s heading towards the workshop now,
Past the tractor, past the plough!
It looks like he’s about to inflate,
He’s grasping the air-line like a date!
Now he’s got the short air lance,
Building up pressure in advance,
Now he’s running it through his hair,
Dust and beans blow everywhere!
Now he’s blowing his overalls,
Must be a day for bean-sweeping fools!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

In Praise of Prawn Cocktail!

Posted on November 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some food-snobs who dismiss prawn cocktail on a menu as being either “steakhouse fodder for Tracy and Darren” or “oh, so Seventies dahling!” I don’t care if I’m thought of as being unfashionable. I’d also quite like to be Tracy and Darren’s age again thank you very much! I care little if the closest they get to haute cuisine is in a steakhouse or a repeat of Moldavian Masterchef on an obscure satellite channel. So crinkle the lettuce and reach for the Thousand Island, the starter is on its way…

Is a boy prawn called a cock?
And does he have a tail?
Perhaps he has a girlfriend,
Once frightened by a whale!
When he goes to bed,
Is his mattress made of lettuce?
Does he dream saucy dreams?
Containing spicy fetish!
Does he get back home?
Parents long in bed,
Having been out on the town,
Painting it green and red!

Darren’s taking Tracy,
Out on their first date.
He’s ordered prawn cocktail,
With a hope to consummate!
On the very next table,
From the hotel chain,
Roofers down from Salford,
Have ordered it once again!

So here’s to all Cocktailers,
From wherever you may hail,
We may not be the trendiest,
But we do love Prawn Cocktail!

It’s a Dogs Lie!

Posted on November 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Wandering in a local town recently I came across a pair of dogs that had been tied to a lamp-post. They looked happy enough and didn’t voice any complaints until they thought I was out of earshot. Then they started to complain bitterly about their treatment. Since they were tied up outside a shop I didn’t believe a word they were saying…

“He told a lie to Mummy,
“We won’t be going far,”
We’ve only reached the High Street,
Now he’s found a bar!”

“He tied us to this post,
With rain it’s about to hiss,
And all we can smell, you know,
Is other doggies p*ss!”

“When he gets back home,
We’ll drop him in the dirt,
We’ve both saved up some pee,
Which we’ll on the curtains squirt!”

“You didn’t take them to the park,
You lazy selfish man!”
“Their ensuing row will serve him right,
And all will go to plan!”
…..next time he’ll have to take us to the park, or else!

No animals were harmed during the writing of this verse!

Baldock’s Halloween Fun at the Engine!

Posted on November 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many people dressed up last night for Halloween. I have also seen pictures of pets dressed in a similar fashion. However Baldock likes to be different and the landlords of the Engine pub have certainly proved the point by dressing up their pub as if they’re expecting a Zombie attack! When I first saw the results I thought it was just another case of refurbishment, however looking closely it is extremely clever and should be applauded…

Coming from the station,
On a warm Friday afternoon,
Unusual for the end of October.
Has Spring sprung too soon?
Walking down the station approach,
I realize with dread,
This is the night of Halloween,
The night of living dead!
I look at my fellow Rush-Hourers,
Sweating as they run,
How many of them are Zombies,
For trick or treating fun?
I reach the Engine public house,
I’m ready for a drink,
It’s boarded up for a Zombie attack,
My heart begins to sink!
Then suddenly I’m pulled inside,
Thank the Lord I’m safe,
“What can I get for you?”
From a welcoming face!
I look out through the boards,
At the Zombies heading home,
And thank heavens for the humour,
That the Engine pub has shown!
The Baldock Bard Gold Star is an occasional award when somebody or an organisation does something outstanding in their field and deserves commendation.
Previous Winners:
January 19^th 2014 – Parking Enforcement, St Neots
June 9th 2013 – Staff at the 3 Store, Stevenage
Nov 7th 2012 – Belinda at the Deli counter, ASDA Stevenage

Rosie Sitting!

Posted on October 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I are Rosie-sitting for some friends who’ve gone on holiday. The other night I awoke to find her standing on Mrs Bard’s slumbering form re-enacting the famous pose from The Lion King. We have now hidden the dvd remote so we can’t be accused of corrupting one so young…

Rosie the Terrier has come to stay,
While her humans have gone away!
They have gone on an aeroplane,
To an island just off Spain!
She has grabbed a comfy chair,
You can move her if you dare!
When she arrived her eating was slow,
Add two other terriers now watch her go!
She’s not used to country sounds,
An owl hoots, behind the door she bounds!
When asleep you should hear her snore,
She’s a deeper ‘voice’ than a wild boar!
If a stranger comes around,
Rosie barks like an enormous hound!
Come next week when her humans show,
We’ll be real sorry to see her go!

Deep in the Fertilizer!

Posted on October 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a law that applies to much of what we do in life. It’s called ‘Sod’s Law of Probability’ and it states that: ‘If something can go wrong, it will go wrong!’ Yesterday morning bright and early, I took delivery of a load of fertilizer in one-tonne bags. I didn’t spear a bag with the JCB Loadall, I didn’t drop a single bag and the pile is still standing (3 miracles in a row!). However the driver of the lorry was having a different day. Having told me that he was ahead of schedule, his problems started…

I unloaded the bags,
And stacked them away,
Without a problem,
T’was a lucky Wednesday!
“Do you have wind?”
The driver enquired,
I wasn’t upset,
His wheel was flat-tyred!
“It looks like a flat,”
I offered advice,
Fine in a town,
On a farm isn’t nice!
I unraveled the pipe,
Started the compressor,
“I’ll need 140lbs!”
He said, meaning pressure!
When the flat tyre,
was up from the ground,
He bid me farewell,
With a slight hissing sound!
I hope he arrived safely,
At his next port of call,
Having taken Sod’s Law
Far beyond the farm wall!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Joy of (someone else’s) Pigs!

Posted on October 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to a proper farm! OK, I jest, we left our farm to visit to a farm in a local town that has animals. I’ve always been critical of these ‘farms’ in the past, however I now have to retract everything I’ve ever said about them as I had great fun. It was wonderful, for instance, to see pigs (the last pig left our farm over twenty years ago!), without the attached work, attendant smelly clothes and weekend duties! However some visitors were not so used to the antics they bring to the farmyard…

Pepa the pig reared up in her stall,
An horrific squeal she let out!
A passing visitor almost collapsed,
in an effort to get the hell out!
With foam at her mouth, evil sharp teeth displayed,
Pepa looked frightening large and obese,
But once she had food, she was docile and calm,
And the piggery returned to peace!

http://www.standalonefarm.com gets my vote as the perfect place to take children of any age (and adults too)!

In Praise of the Humble Cucumber!

Posted on October 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, Mrs Bard grew some cucumbers in our small greenhouse. She lovingly watered, fed and cared for them. When they were ready to pick, one by one they disappeared. When there was just one remaining she kept watch at the window. She was about to give up her vigil when she spied the culprit. Our cat had crept into the greenhouse and was chomping on the remaining cucumber. If it happens now we blame our granddaughter who is equally as fond of them as the cat all those years ago…

There’s nothing like cucumber,
If you’re standing in a queue,
Maybe at the airport,
On the way to Timbucktoo!

They also enjoy cucumber,
In Sandwich down in Kent,
They are so very fond of it,
They say it’s heaven sent!

You’ll always find cucumber,
When you have tea at the Ritz,
It goes so well with Earl Grey,
Better than any biscuits!

Let’s hear it for the cucumber,
It makes a salad green,
Between two sheets of soft white bread
It’s fit for a noble Queen!

Carpe Diem!

Posted on October 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had another birthday. Thinking about this, I suddenly thought how much our being here depends on luck, fortune and circumstance. Had our mothers decided; ‘not tonight dear!’ or if our fathers had been late back from work and too tired, then we’d probably have missed out! Another thought involved chances taken and lost over the years…

You don’t know the good times ‘till they’re gone,
Maybe these are good times?
We could be wrong!
Carpe Diem,
Seize the day!
Tomorrow Today,
Will be Yesterday!
We don’t know the good times ‘till they’re gone!

With my very best wishes for a Very Happy Monday!